by Midnight Freemason Contributor
WB Darin A. Lahners
Editor's Note: This is Satire. Please read this with that in mind. I'm just having some fun and trying to spread some Holiday cheer by making you laugh (hopefully).
Dear Santa:
Every third degree, I'm forced to tell these three fellow craft that I have seen three workmen from the temple and men of Tyre attempting to book passage to Ethiopia, but they didn't have King Solomon's pass and turned back into the country. I then get to see them captured by the same fellow craft and witness King Solomon order them to be executed according to the several imprecations they gave while in the clefts of the rocks.
I feel really bad about this. I know these men, many of them are past Masters. As much as they have tortured me by shouting out the ritual anytime I pause to take a breath while delivering it, I don't want them to die in that way. It's honestly too good of a fate for them. I'd rather more torture be involved to make up for the chaos they cause in every degree. Santa, if bellyaching was an Olympic sport, they'd all get Gold Medals. Santa, Why are most Past Masters so angry?
The only ones that aren't are the ones who became secretaries of their respective lodges. That role makes the bitterness become a slow burn.
Replace the U with an I, and its winner winner chicken dinner.
Santa, I know that the Ruffians are obviously not very good murderers, since they were part of a conspiracy of many to begin with. Compile this with them not having an alibi, leaving the murder weapons at the scene of the crime, burying the body close enough to the murder site that you can see it, hanging around near where they buried the body, and then openly confessing their guilt within earshot of their pursuers from the clefts of the rocks; I realize they are about as inept as the burglars in Home Alone.
Santa,
I don't like them calling me a rat, just because I was asked to perform
a part in the degree that they asked me to perform. They're usually really mad that I turned them in, and let's just say that Hiram got off easy. They really lay into me. It really hurts to have them treat me this way. I defend myself by saying that my obligation tells me I did the right thing. Something...something..Murder and Treason excepted. Should I feel bad? Probably not, but I do. Santa, I'm between a rock
and hard place
here. Pardon the pun.
Yes, I know they killed a really important guy. But I heard this guy, Hiram Abiff was inspecting the temple, and he was careless while inspecting it because he was too busy thinking about the Queen of Sheba and her huge tracts of land. He dislodged a stone which fell and killed this dude named Cavelum, who was kin to King Solomon. That's why he had the north gate walled up, and he called it a place of darkness. I mean if he accidentally murdered someone, shouldn't he have have met with a similar fate? An eye for an eye. Oh wait, that was King Hammurabi. King Solomon likes to order that babies get cut in two. (1 Kings 3 16:28) I'm sorry Santa, that was dark for a Christmas letter. All I'm saying is that Hiram isn't as innocent as he's made out to be.
Santa, I also heard this King Solomon dude had this Hiram guy whacked because he was too "familiar" with the Queen of Sheba. Shouldn't we be holding King Solomon accountable for his murder? It just seems unfair that these three dudes get killed for doing something that they were ordered to do. I heard later on that all the workmen from the Temple were killed by King Solomon anyway, like he made them some Kool-Aid and they drank it and they all fell dead. Isn't he the real villain here? I think he committed genocide. (http://www.midnightfreemasons.org/2015/02/uproxx-style-masonry.html)
An Artists Interpretation of King Solomon ordering the Special Kool-Aid to be ingested
Santa, all the ruffians wanted were some secrets that they were promised by Hiram. This King Solomon dude took advantage of this. Hiram should have just coughed them up; the temple was pretty much done at that point. Honestly, I just don't know what the big deal is, they could have just gone on the internet and found them. It would have saved me, them, and Hiram a lot of hassle.
Please Santa, just this once Santa, can we just let them live? That way I won't be a Narc, unlike those employees at the Holy Royal Golden Arches. I hear they'll turn anyone in. I can sleep better that one night knowing I didn't rat my brothers out and I won't be sore from their "retribution". Yes, I know that would be irregular work, Santa. But, in the spirit of the Holidays...I'm hoping you can use some of your Christmas magick and get the Grandmaster to turn a blind eye this one time I tell the Fellow-craft I haven't seen anything?
Santa, can you please sprinkle some of that magickal dust and let them get away? I'd sure appreciate it. Or at least let me be the second fellow craft. I know that part as well. Then we can let someone else be the narc and my conscious is clear.
Signed-
A Wayfaring Man
~DAL
Darin Lahners wishes everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Festive Yule, and more generically a Happy Holiday Season if you don't fit into any of the above.
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